Key Takeaways
- An eating disorder is a serious mental health condition that impacts physical and emotional well-being.
- There are many ways you can support a loved one during their recovery, including acts of service, spending quality time together, and using compassionate language that focuses on the person—not their eating disorder.
- While communicating, be mindful of body language and other physical cues that could signal it’s time to switch conversation topics.
Updated by Julia Zakrzewski, RD
Eating disorders are complex mental illnesses that exist on a wide spectrum.
The most common are anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa, binge eating disorder, avoidant restrictive food intake disorder (ARFID), and other specified feed and eating disorder (OSFED).
Every eating disorder (ED) has unique characteristics, but they all include modified behaviors around food intake, and can sometimes include poor body image, and other mental conditions like anxiety.
Watching a loved one develop these behaviors can be very alarming, and it can be challenging to know what to say.
Keep reading to better understand the mindset of someone with an active eating disorder, what not to say during recovery, and most important, learn helpful communication strategies you can try instead.
{{splash}}
What You Shouldn't Say to Someone With an Eating Disorder
1. I think you look fine!
It’s completely understandable that you want to say positive things to your loved ones while they heal from an ED. However, you may want to avoid telling them “I think you look fine!” when they’re actively in recovery.
Here’s a couple reasons why:
- Commenting on their physical appearance can be very triggering, especially if they have a preoccupation with body image and body shape.
- Someone may look fine on the outside, but they could be struggling internally.
If you don’t know what to say, but you can see your loved one is having a bad day, try sitting in silence with them and offer a hug.
2. You’re so skinny—what’s your secret? I wish I had your willpower!
Well-intended remarks on physical appearance can be problematic to someone with an active eating disorder (or those vulnerable to disordered eating). For them, praise on their body shape or eating behaviors may validate their ED voice, which can delay their recovery.
Everyone’s ED voice is unique, but here’s an example of how someone might interpret comments and praise on their body shape:
- People are noticing that my body is changing and I’m receiving a lot of compliments.
- They seem to like me more when my body is smaller. So if I lose more weight—they might like me more.
- I’m scared that if I gain weight, people won’t like me anymore.
You should still give genuine compliments, but draw attention away from physical features, and try to highlight internal positive traits instead, like “You always make me laugh” or “I’m so grateful to have you in my life.”
3. Why is there so much food disappearing from the kitchen?
Some EDs are characterized by binge eating behaviors, and you may notice that food at home has been rapidly disappearing.
Calling attention to this, or targeting the person you think is responsible, is only likely to fill that person with more shame (on top of the internal shame they’re already experiencing).
It’s better to avoid confronting them about it, and know that their health counselors will address and treat these behaviors during therapy appointments.
At home, your goal is to provide an unconditionally safe space for them to heal.
{{local}}
4. Maybe you should cut out flour, sugar, carbs, or why don’t you go on a diet?
Someone struggling with a binge eating disorder has probably already tried to eliminate foods that make them feel out of control.
Telling them to avoid certain foods, or to “try a diet”, is insensitive and adds more pressure to an already strained relationship with nutrition, eating, and mental health.
Instead of focusing on their binging and eating behaviors, focus on highlighting their amazing qualities that aren’t related to food or physical appearance.
5. Why can’t you just eat?
When your patience runs thin and you feel frustrated, it can be very tempting to say comments like “why can’t you just eat?” All caregivers experience these kinds of slip-ups, and it’s a sign that you need some space to cool off.
Remind yourself that a person with an ED would eat without a second thought, if they could. Their illness has changed their relationship with food, and what comes easily to others (like eating a cookie) can be fear-inducing for someone recovering from an ED.
6. Just stop binging.
Binging and purging behaviors linked to an ED aren’t caused by a lack of willpower or self-control around food, so asking someone to “stop binging” isn’t going to work, and they may interpret these remarks as insensitive.
To recover, they’ll need to complete comprehensive therapy and counseling, and over time they may successfully modify their eating behaviors.
For now, know that if you’ve caught them in the middle of a binge, they may feel deeply ashamed and embarrassed.
If you’ve caught them purging—their deepest secret has been revealed, and they may feel overcome with shame and other intense emotions.
In these instances, plan a conversation a few hours later to let emotions cool off. Don’t try to tell them what to do, instead say, “I hear you throwing up in the bathroom and I’m concerned about you.”
7. Isn’t that too much food? Do you know how many calories are in that?
Commenting on anyone’s nutritional intake isn’t acceptable. Nobody wants to hear unsolicited remarks about their food and calorie choices.
For someone healing from an ED, comments on their food could make them feel self-conscious and possibly guilty after eating.
Although you mean well by ensuring they’re getting enough nutrition, consider what it would feel like in their position: it’s very hard to relax and enjoy food when you feel like every bite is being monitored.
What to Say Instead
Productive conversations are more likely to occur when both parties are calm and feel safe.
Don’t confront them in public or in an unfamiliar environment. Instead, plan to have conversations at home in a quiet space.
You have to be open to the possibility that this person may reject your offer to talk—and that’s OK. It can be hard to open up about an eating disorder because they’re heavily stigmatized and can feel shameful.
When you’re both ready to talk, here are some helpful, compassionate things you can say to someone with an eating disorder:
- Do you want to talk? I’m here for you when you’re ready.
- I’m so glad you told me how you’re feeling.
- I can see that you’re stressed, is there anything I can do to support you?
- I love spending time with you and hearing what’s on your mind.
- Would you like to meet with someone who can help you through this?
- I love you no matter what.
To address specific concerns, try neutral but direct phrases:
- I have observed that you’re not eating.
- I’ve noticed you seem more stressed. How are you coping?
- I see you skip meals and go exercise instead.
It’s also acceptable to tell someone, “I don’t know what to say, but I’m here to support you in any way I can.” Nobody expects you to have all the answers, but your willingness to learn how to support them can make a world of difference.
How a Dietitian Can Help with Eating Disorders
Not every day in ED recovery will be challenging; there will be beautiful, happy days, too. If you and your loved one want more support, consider reaching out to an eating disorder dietitian.
You can find a dietitian who accepts insurance through Nourish.
Do you have any of these insurances?
